The Death of Cargo Shorts and a Change of Belts

I have arrived at an age where my pants don’t stay up. Any time I hold an object in my hands heavier than a coke can, my core contracts and my pants fall immediately to my ankles.

I think this lack of a ledge to support my pants is genetic. I was helping my dad move a large piece of furniture recently. By the time, we had lifted it, our shorts were at ankle height. We waddled the furniture to its new location.

I embarked on a three part, long range mission.

  • One – Find a better belt.
  • Two – Wear shorts that stay up more readily
  • Three – Carry less stuff

Part One – Find a better belt

I really feel like my page formatting calls for a paragraph here. For continuity.

The Current Belt – Bison Belts

I have used Bison Belts for a long time. They come in many shapes and sizes, but basically they are all nylon webbing belts with an Aluminum D ring friction buckle. Infinitely adjustable. The issue is that the friction lock or the webbing starts slipping after a while. You can tighten it up when you need to “get some work done” or loosen it when you are trying to finish that Tomahawk steak, but not a lot of in between.

This is literally the best option I have found. I have a closet of Bison belts. I need to work on my weight and my core and do some butt exercises. In the mean time….

The Next Belt – Off Brand Stretchy, but similar

I did another round of research recently. I found a belt with similar features and a bit of stretch.

Hoanan D-ring Tactical Belt, 2 Pack Elastic Stretch Military EDC Heavy Duty Belt. Here is an ad to shop at Amazon for which I will receive nothing…

It probably won’t last as long as the Bison Belts, but it works. It has a little “give” to it. It passes the hold a Diet Coke can at arms length test. You can adjust it on the fly. The elastic gives it a little more hold. There is a gap between getting ready for your pants to fall to your ankles and the moment your pants fall to your ankles. This belt when tightened to carrying and object in from of you tolerances will hold a lightly loaded pair of shorts up for most of the trip.


I went down the Grip6 rabbit hole. Basically, a web belt with interchangeable buckles. They don’t tension very well compared to Bison. They don’t “stretch” Nope.


I also tried BeltBro

This is advertised to people like me on Facebook. It doesn’t work very well. It is elastic, but it wants to be pre-tensioned all the time. It also doesn’t cross your pants button/snap which is asking for a lot from the the most tenuous part of holding up your pants. Belt loops are for looping belts not pre-tensioning a Velcroed bungee strap. The Button on my jeans and pants are attached with a gossamer strand of hope.

I should have done some more research. I was a little overly enthusiastic about this one. Don’t bother.


I also bought a pair of suspenders. I don’t like them either. They work great it you are always doing the one thing they are adjusted to do. Sitting, standing, bending; choose one. Mrs. JonTheBruce found them hilarious when I was wearing them.

Part Two – The Death of Cargo Shorts

Last year, I started moving away from Cargo Shorts. It has been a long time coming. Me and Cargo Shorts have done some stuff. I bought multiple pairs of board shorts or stretchy shorts from Costco. Board shorts are usually quick drying. Cargo Shorts are usually cotton. Board Shorts have minimal pockets. Cargo shorts have plenty of extra pockets for carrying crap.

The Costco shorts don’t last forever. This year they had O’Neil board shorts in limited sizes that I couldn’t squeeze my butt into. I found extended sizes at Amazon from Quiksilver. Quiksilver Union Amphibian Hybrid shorts. So that is what I am rocking this summer.  I really want to like these, but one pair is piling like my grandma’s velour after two weeks.

I can’t figure out pronouns. I get tripped up by the language of inclusion. Maybe dropping the cargo shorts are my ally move. Also, I make a conscious effort to carry less crap in my pockets, so don’t read too much into it.

Three – Carry less stuff EDC

Here is my Every Day Carry

  • Apple Watch
  • Apple Phone 13 Pro
  • Bose SoundSport Wireless NFC Earphones In Ear Bluetooth Headphones – I really like these a lot. Wireless but attached to each other, so when one falls out, the other might hold long enough to catch it.
  • Leatherman Free P2
  • Flashlight single AAA style – r/Flashlights on Reddit is a game changer
  • Medium Binder Clip with an ID, debit, credit, health cards wrapped in a wad of cash.
  • A key for whatever I am driving
  • Fatheadz 2+ Readers
  • Fatheadz Prescription Sunglasses

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s